Monday, July 2, 2007

We are going green!

I have been taking a look at the manuscript which explains the Corporate Responsibility of the Empire. As you most probably know the Kingdom is but one part of the Empire and it is the Empire (and the Emperor) that has the final say in most things.

The manuscript pinned on the Empire’s information tree stump is two years old but methinks is a fair indication of current thinking. I quote the Emperor:-

Each division is charged with a responsibility to minimise the impacts of business on
the environment…………………….However, we are not complacent and there is an absolute commitment to do more to fulfil the social and environmental targets we are setting for the years ahead.

Now that all sounds well and good. There are glowing reports on how the Empire is going Green at a rapid rate. We have course have been green here at the castle for years….we must have been to put up with it all!! But that is another story.

Back to the plot…sorry discussion. Now let us be fair….many initiatives have indeed resulted in a more environmentally friendly Empire but there is one item of concern that still needs attention.

I just say this…..are the horses used by the Emperor and other nobles the most efficient when it comes to feed bags? For example does the King really need a very large horse to transport him across the streets of fair London town? And I would suspect that the Emperor himself hardly makes do with a mere mule.

In short, is it possible that emissions could be reduced to limit the amount of horse shit that pollutes the atmosphere?

I just put forward the question….I do not pretend to have an answer………

Saturday, May 12, 2007

In-Cart Hands-Free Message Arrow Device

I must say it’s been very quiet at the castle these last few days. There isn’t a lot to report but the Prince has been almost pleasant so something dastardly must be on the horizon!

I have received further confirmation from my sources that the “The Artists and The Carts” posting appears to be basically true. Now that we have a crack in the formidable wall of red tape previously erected by the Kingdom’s Keeper of the Carts & Carriages let’s hope it widens somewhat and leads to improvements in all the wheeled machines across the Kingdom.

What say you to that dear King? If you do decree it so... then please…not just for the nobles again…think of your serfs and peasants I beg you. Perhaps an in-cart mandolin, oak wheels and real horsehair seats covers are small additions to you…but to us it would be sheer luxury!

I sometimes think that a in-cart hands-free message arrow device (ICHFMAD) would be nice….but…. even if I have a ICHFMAD fitted the King’s regulations say I can only use it when I am not in motion? But, if I am not in motion then I do not need a ICHFMAD…… as I can perfectly well draw the bow myself?

Is this not a puzzle indeed because logically one must ask the question… why does anyone need an ICHFMAD if they cannot use it without fear of the stocks? Surely there are considerable savings to be made across the Kingdom by not buying any more and thereby reducing all the MAD enabled freemen and nobles.

But I am not a Chancellor, I am only a lowly serf. So what do I know?

Saturday, May 5, 2007

The Artists And The Carts

Has it been four years already? My horse and cart is up for renewal. It looks like I can have the same choice of horse and cart as I did before. I can have a choice of colour (black, grey, pinto, piebald) so that’s fine except………

Word has reached the castle that in another part of the realm far far away from our blighted land, the artists (a disreputable bunch in any castle - but fellow serfs none the less) are to have bigger carts and bigger horses. The artists have been saying that their easels have got bigger, their paint brushes longer, their palettes more numerous and that they need bigger carts to take the load.

The artists are sending out arrows to all parts of the kingdom with the message that their Prince is bountiful and loved by all….one might say that they are extracting the urine from their fellow serfs in other Princedoms…..boasting of their success and making merry at the expense of other artists who cannot have a bigger horse and cart due to their own Prince’s reduction in the feed and tack budget!

If one Princedom needs bigger carts for its artists should not all other artists in the kingdom be getting bigger carts, even if they sometimes have to share them? Are not their easels, paint brushes and palettes of equal size?

And….now that I come to think about it…within the last four years my quills have grown, I now carry a writing case and the legal books I need to avoid committing anything to paper of a libellous nature are numerous. It’s as good a case as the artists put forward so should I not also be given a bigger horse and cart??

Perhaps I should petition the King?

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Back From The Crusades!

Would all serfs and interested nobles please forgive the delay since I last posted. I have been to the crusades on my hols and have now returned with sunburn and some very pretty souvenir Saracen heads.

As seems to be the way of this blog my post-box is full but the comments are scarce. So be it, my (slightly chicken hearted) fellow serfs and peasants.

Many of the mails I have received seem to follow the theme put forward by “Anonymous” in the comments section of my previous post. That is - have I got it wrong and was I originally right!!

Is the true power behind the throne not the King but actually the Prince? If this is so, what reason can there be for such a reversal of roles? Is the Prince a master of the dark arts? Does he conjure up spirits and devils to bend the King’s will? I must admit it is a possibility and would go some way to explaining the strange happenings at the castle and at the palace.

I will keep my ear to the ground for further information and I ask you to do the same. I ask the growing band of merrie men and women to please continue emailing - and to the brave ones - try commenting direct. It’s not as painful as it might appear.


A late arrow has arrived with a message that the Prince may be in possession of WMDs (Words of Much Disorder) that could be deployed within 45 minutes.

Now where have I heard that before………...??

Sunday, April 22, 2007

The Miller Responds

After reading the comment on the last post the Miller himself fired an arrow at his son's arse with the following message attached.

Hey! Son! For Christ’s sake get back inside this hovel. How many times have I told you about going out and irritating the fucking nobles? Here I am grinding me grains for all I’m worth just to provide a home for you and the other 15 brats and you go out trying to piss off the gentry.

I work dawn to dusk just pay for your private lessons on basic forelock touching and this all the thanks I get. Ungrateful sod! If you think I am going to pay for you to go to Nottingham Uni to get that BA in Grovelling and Servility you have another think coming! You would only be another typical bloody student anyway. Piss all your groats up against the wall and never do a day of work. Bit like the nobility really but without any class.

And while we are having a heart to heart - this bollocks you keep harping on about - this joining a band – it isn’t going to happen. What sort of crap name is Robin and the Merrie Men anyway????

Love Dad.


I have bitten the bullet (actually that should probably be arrow) and visited the castle for the fair. True to his word, the King has blindfolded all the participating nobles who are all from foreign lands.

I still worry though. I answered all the questions my good lords asked me but when I reviewed my completed parchment I realised it was not as anonymous as it seemed.

If there was such a devil’s instrument in existence capable of taking all the parchments and reporting in such a way that one’s identity might be revealed by admission of age or sex or department I might be very worried.

But that’s all witchcraft and nonsense.

Isn’t it?


Isn’t it??

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Wrong Prince!

That will teach me to use a freelance! I said get a picture of The Prince!!